A foster moms perspective

As I’ve mentioned in my introduction, I adopted my son through the foster care system. A journey that unless you’ve walked the path, you cant truly understand. There is so much love, gain, satisfaction, & heart tied into the journey. There is also so much pain, suffering, loss, tragedy, turmoil, heartache, fear, and anxiety. People who are not foster parents usually respond similarly to me when they hear the choice i have made to get involved with helping children from the state. “Oh bless your heart. I could never do what you are doing. I would get too attached.” I must admit, I try not to cringe at those familiar and popular choice of words. Being a foster parent isn’t for everyone. This i know and appreciate. What some do not seem to really understand is, we do get too attached. We are not super human. We are not void of emotions. We just put our own hearts aside because if no one was to step forward and go to bat for these children, well who would be there for them? We have to ignore the pain and how horribly sad we will be when we have to remove a child from our arms and place them back into someone else’s. We aren’t more special, or able to turn the attachment switch off. It is just a choice to ignore our own pain and fight for these little ones. I do understand of course not choosing to live your life in that way. I don’t think this lifestyle is for everyone and after my past 4 years of this experience I myself have had to take a step back. Self preservation was necessary and for now I am taking a pause. A decision that I hated to make. Feeling as if I failed the children waiting for me to rescue them. I just needed to heal my own heart, spend time with my son who now was legally in the eyes of the state, my son; and take a time being a mother/person and not the roll of foster mom. I wanted to share something I wrote explaining the heart wrench in which we feel. The confusion and battle between the logic that this is just a temporary placement and the reality that your heart naturally takes over and loves unconditionally. So let me know what you guys think….

The true life of a Foster Parent: I am going to hand you a baby. I am going to hand you a baby and tell you to take this baby home. I’m going to tell you to take this baby home and ask that you care for him or her. I’m going to ask that you not only care for him or her but require you to feed, clothe, provide, protect, and love this baby like you would your own. I’m going to remind you that this baby isn’t your own baby but request that you treat him or her as such. I’m going to ask that you make this baby part of your family. I’m going to encourage you to let this baby call you mama or dada, to let your family become their family, to make this baby your number one. I’m going to ask you to cherish this baby and heal this baby..because the baby I handed you and asked you take home that isn’t your baby but you will love like your own.. well that baby is hurting. That baby is hurting because the adults in this babies life have failed him/ her. I will then describe in detail just how bad the adults in this babies life have failed. I will tell you things that will make you cry and make you ache for this baby. I will then insist that you don’t hold any of this information against the adults that did the hurting of this baby, the baby that you are supposed to protect.I will again remind you of the paperwork that you signed insisting you won’t share the information about the humans that failed the baby that you are protecting. I will ask you to remain hopeful that the humans that did the hurting will find some resources that help them become humans that in the future wont again hurt the baby that you are protecting. The baby you are supposed to love and treat like your own, but the baby in fact that is not yours. I will then leave you alone with this baby… maybe for weeks, months & even possibly years. I’m hoping you don’t get too attached but I hope you are attached enough. I am hoping you have made this child your family, but remember they really are not yours. I am hoping you are standing up for this child, but are also remembering you have no legal rights. I’m believing you are keeping this child safe, but keeping in mind you can’t guarantee their safety in the future. I’m thinking that this all sounds realistic and doable. That this is what you envisioned when you signed up to help children. That you were told about the process so you would understand what to expect. I won’t really know what to say when I take this child you have parented for a few years and hand them over to someone in their legal family. Blood is thicker than water right? I will try but fail to understand why you don’t agree it’s normal for the baby that you raised, who I asked you to love and protect, who I encouraged to let them call you mama/or daddy, who I made clear wasn’t yours; is being pulled out of your arms and placed into arms of a stranger. I will try to rationalize why it’s not damaging to cut off all communication with the baby. I will justify the reasoning behind the transition and fail to make you see things my way. I will be slightly annoyed that you got too involved when I reminded you again and again from the beginning, this was just temporary. Even though i didn’t explain that temporary could mean anywhere from days to years. Didn’t you pay attention in class? Did we really explain it in class? I won’t give you enough time to grieve or process what will happen next. Why do you need time? I warned you from the start. Why are you grieving? This is all part of the process. On the day I take the baby from you… the baby I asked you to love, clothe, feed, cherish, keep safe, parent, hug, kiss, cuddle, protect; the baby you call your baby but legally isn’t your baby.. on that very day I will act as if it’s any other day. I will just take him/her like I’m taking this baby for any other outing. I might ask for the babies things..things that they have grown to love. I will watch you with tears in your eyes and turn away with your baby, who isn’t really your baby but now will be someone else’s baby, a strangers baby. I will walk away and you won’t hear from me again.. well until I call you in a few days from now. “I have this new baby that I need you to take”